It’s Not Fair! A Dad’s Story

Guest writer and RCB Instructor Ross Fields shares how parents can empower children to create opportunity for themselves when faced with obstacles, like not being able to afford something they want. His whole family learned a great lesson that day about feeling powerful, not helpless, in these situations.

I Want to Get Pizza! Tonight!

Each of us usually has a pretty good understanding or our financial condition.  We know how much money we make, how much we need for living expenses and how much is left over for other items we desire.  Being adults we have a grasp on how this whole money thing works. So how do you explain this to a 5-year-old?

As I pulled into our driveway after a day at work, I saw my 5-year-old daughter, Stephanie, sitting on the front step waiting for me. Her head was somewhat down and her body language was not that of being excited about seeing her daddy.  I greeted her in my normal daddy way, “Hi Pumpkin.  How was your day?”  “It’s not fair!”, she said with conviction.  “What’s not fair?”, I asked.  “Jill got to go get pizza today and I didn’t!.  I want to go get pizza!  Tonight!”

Let’s just stop here for a minute.  Right off, my daughter’s declaration brought up a whole bunch of feelings for me around the family finances.  We were a one-income family of four on a tight budget.  I was thinking that a pizza night would cost us about $20 and it was not in the budget.  So how do you explain this to a 5-year-old and make it a teachable moment?

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Dad’s Lame Attempt to Explain Life: “Life is not always fair.”

“Stephanie, life is not always fair.” I replied.  “Why not?  I want pizza!” she shot back.  “Jill’s dad took her for pizza.  Why won’t you take me?  I don’t like it not being fair!”  she said as she began to sob.  “We just can’t afford pizza tonight,” I replied, feeling completely defeated and like the worst dad ever.

For several more minutes I attempted to explain all the reasons why life isn’t fair and how we have to be responsible with our dollars and that one day she would understand.  Of course what she was hearing was, “blah, blah, blah” and that she wasn’t going to get pizza.

I was not helping to change the situation.  I realized I needed to do something different.  I needed to get past my own feelings of lack and even envy of the fact that Stephanie’s friend’s family could go out for pizza in the middle of the week and we couldn’t.  But how do you get past the reality of “we can’t afford it”?  We just can’t have everything we want, right?

Dad Inspires Stephanie, Himself and the Family to Action by Using Different Words

My explanation of why we could just not go out for pizza was not getting us anywhere.  Stephanie was determined to have pizza plus the experience of going out for it, and I was feeling that as a father and a provider, I was failing her.  Inside I was asking, “How can I make this different?  How can I turn this around for Stephanie?  How can I turn this around for myself?  I love pizza, too!”

I looked at my powerful little girl. Yes, even in her whining for pizza she was being powerful, and I said, “You’re right, going out for pizza would be fun. So how will we create that?”

 Her attitude instantly changed.  She looked at me as if I were crazy while at the same time deciphering what I had just said.  “What do you mean?” she asked.  She was intelligent enough to realize that I had not said yes to getting pizza, but I had also not said no and that there was now a glimmer of hope.  Pizza was quite possibly in the near future.

“Well,” I said, “we need to look at how we could create the money for going out for pizza.”  “Oh.” she replied.  I could now see her wheels turning, her attitude shifting to that of problem solving.  “How much money do we need?” she asked.  “About twenty dollars.” I replied.

At this point I suggested that we go inside to have a family meeting and figure this whole thing out.  All four of us sat down at the kitchen table and began to brainstorm ideas that could lead to reaching the goal of going out for pizza.

Getting Creative to Find a Solution

“I have a dollar I could give,” younger daughter Melanie excitedly said.  She liked the idea of pizza too.  “I could give two dollars!” Stephanie chimed in.  Both girls ran out of the room and returned to cheerfully place their dollar bills on the table staring at them as if the green notes possessed magic powers.  This was starting to get exciting.

“What about the money in our recycling jar?” my wife Kathleen asked.  It was like a huge flash bulb going off.  “How much money do we have in the jar?” Kathleen asked again.  I jumped up, got the jar off the shelf and spread the contents out on the table.  We started separating the paper money and the coins.  We tallied it all up and found that we had about $18.

Somebody asked, “Do we have any recycling to turn in?”  We did.  The next day we gathered up all the materials for recycling and went to turn them into pizza.  This recycling put us over our $20 goal.  Yeah, this was really fun!

That evening we went not only for pizza, but to one of those family pizza places that has games and entertainment. We had the best time.  As a father it felt so good to see Stephanie and Melanie proudly present the magically-created cash to the cashier.

How Are We Going to Create It?

From that day on the phrase, “We can’t afford it,” changed to “How are we going to create it?”  This simple change in words places a completely different energy on the situation of wanting anything.  Feeling hopeless is being a victim.  It’s so satisfying to be creative.  It may even lead you to something you originally thought impossible.

So now there’s a choice:  we can choose to feel lack and continue to look for places where we “can’t afford it” or ask, “how can I create it” and be on a path that is energizing and inspiring.  Have fun creating!

by Ross Fields

To learn more about Ross and Kathleen Fields and to view their class schedule, click here.