“No” can be the hardest word for parents to say and the hardest word for kids to hear. Kathryn Kvols tells parents how they can make No an easier word when they do have to say it to their children.

 “Mom, can I go to the mall with Andrea?” asks Brianna.
“No, honey, you can’t,” answers Mom.
“Pleeeeeeease,” begs Brianna.
“No! And that’s final,” Mom retorts.
“Mom, why? All my friends get to go to the mall!” pushes Brianna.
“You are too young. We have talked about this before. Yada yada yada…” drones mother with her explanation, to which her daughter has tuned out minutes ago.

Saying “no” to your child can be difficult. Sometimes we end up feeling like a broken record that says “no” all the time. This can be wearing on our parenting psyches. Yet saying “no” is a necessary ingredient to help children grow and to be able to say “no” themselves. Here are 17 variations of saying “no” to add to your repertoire.

Alternative Ways to Say No

1. “That’s not an option.”
2. “I am unwilling…”
3. Say it in a funny way, i.e. “Never in a million trillion years!”
4. Sing, “No, no, no.”
5. “That’s not appropriate.”
6. “I am not ready for you to do that yet.”
7. For a younger child, use distraction.
8. “What do you think you would need to do before I would be willing to say yes to that?”
9. “What do you think? Is this a good choice for you?” (If you choose to use this, make sure you are willing to consider their answer.)
10. For a youngster who has something you don’t want her to have said, say, “That’s not a toy. However, this is a toy you can play with.”
11. “What are your other options?”
12. “No, I would be willing to…”
13. “I appreciate your asking, however…”
14. Give them an alternative. “Walls are not for coloring. Here is a piece of paper.”
15. Tell them what to do instead i.e., “Water needs to stay in the tub.”
16. “This is not negotiable.”
17. “Yes, as soon as (task) is done….”
18. “I’d love to, but now’s not an option. Let’s go put it on the calendar.”

Let’s look at the earlier scenario again using one of the above variations:

“Mom, can I go to the mall with Andrea?” asks Brianna.

“No, honey you can’t,” answers Mom.

“Pleeeeeeease,” begs Brianna.

“No, you can’t go without adult supervision.  I would be willing to take you and walk behind you to give you and your friends some privacy.”

When a Simple “No” Is Necessary

Of course there are times when you should say, “No” and mean “no”. At those times it is helpful to make direct eye contact with the child and in a firm and neutral tone of voice, say the word “no,” ONCE. Some children do best with a brief reason why they are being told no. However, it is essential that this explanation is very short. Keep it short to avoid turning this into a lecture. Do not get into an argument. If you do, your child will learn that if he wears you down, you will give in.

Take the course that Kath Kvols created, now available online.

Saying No Teaches Kids About Limits

Saying “no” to your child can be one of the most important things you do for a child because it lets your child know that you have limits, and you don’t have to feel like a tyrant to do so. Limits make children feel secure and cared for.

It’s also essential for parents to model saying no and meaning it. Children need to know how to stick to their own limits so when their faced with sticky situations outside of the home, they will be able to say no, without hesitation and without guilt.

Give one of these alternatives a try this week. Sometimes children react negatively when we get clearer about saying “no”. Taking a parenting class is an ideal place to practice and get support handling situations like these.

by Kathryn Kvols

Kathryn Kvols is the author of the best selling book and parenting course, “Redirecting Children’s Behavior.” She is an international speaker and the president of the International Network for Children and Families. She can be reached at 877-375-6498 or you can view other helpful articles at the website www.incaf.com.