A key component to a healthy family is mutual respect. When we “demand” respect from our children with yelling and punishment, we aren’t modeling respectful behavior ourselves.  Where did we get the notion that we must break down our children in order to build them up again? Susie Walton‘s experience has taught her that the best way to get respect from our kids is to give respect to them.

Respect from Children: Get What You Give

Many of us were raised in homes where yelling was a common occurrence. I, for one, was a “yeller” purely out of frustration, wanting my four sons to do what I had asked them to do. It seemed like they wouldn’t listen until I yelled at them. Why was it that I needed to yell at my sons? I decided to take a Redirecting Children’s Behavior (RCB) Course to find out.

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What I learned from that first RCB parenting course really resonated with me—the crux of it being that children need to be raised with respect. Children have an innate need to feel understood, valued, powerful, and loved. When they feel respected in these ways, there is less need to misbehave.

I realized that all my yelling was actually quite disrespectful and that I was simply getting back what I was giving. So I shifted the way I thought about parenting and made some adjustments to my parenting style. Simply by being more respectful of my kids’ feelings and ideas, I saw dramatic improvements to our family dynamic. They got along better with me and with each other.

My sons respected me because they felt that I respected them. Because of the profound changes, I saw in my family, I decided to take classes to become a parenting instructor. More than 20 years later, I’m still teaching about the transformative power of mutual respect.

PRACTICAL ACTIVITIES to Foster Mutual Respect:

Provide Genuine Encounter Moments (GEMs).

I’ve found that frequent Genuine Encounter Moments (GEMs) are a great way to show respect to children. A GEM is when we provide 100% focused attention to our child. It means being completely present with our child in that conversation, and that when our kids are speaking with us, we actually take the time to stop, look, and listen. Often times when we are with our kids, we’re only pretending to listen. If a friend or colleague were only pretending to listen to me, I would feel belittled and disrespected. It’s not that different for children. Providing GEMs is a great way to show them respect while building strong connections.

Use “I” Statements when communicating.

I found that when I yelled at my children, I would often hold them responsible for how I felt at the time: “You never listen!” “You make me so mad!” Using accusing phrases like this never helped the situation. The fact was I felt frustrated with my own inability to handle the situation, so I was blaming my kids for it instead of owning up to my part. Using “I” statements was a more respectful way for me to communicate with them, because it allowed me to express how I felt (anger, frustration, etc.) or what I wanted without causing my sons to feel defensive or guilty.

“I” Statements also allowed for Win-Win Resolutions. I remember when I was having trouble getting my sons to put their dirty clothes in the laundry basket. Rather than yelling or threatening, I led with an I Statement: “I am willing to do laundry but not willing to walk around the house and pick it up. How can we make this work for you and for me?”  Together they came up with the solution that I would continue to do the laundry as long as they put it in the laundry basket. This worked for everyone. I learned that owning up to what I wanted and needed was modelling self-respect in a way that was still respectful to my boys.

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Ask for your children’s help often!

Even as very young boys, my sons felt respected when I asked them for help. I gave them age-appropriate opportunities to help around the house, like dusting, table setting, and even light cooking. At first, it took longer to show them how to do the tasks, but the dividends were well worth the investment!

When my youngest son Christopher was in fourth grade he loved rollerblading. One day, I asked him to teach me how to rollerblade. He was very patient in teaching me and we had a blast. Later on, he asked his older brother Luke if he wanted to learn. Luke did, so outside they went. When they came back to the house you could see how happy Christopher felt having taught both his mom and older brother how to rollerblade!

Mutual Respect Grows Over Time

As my boys grew older, I continued to ask for their advice and help. We discussed solutions to problems over family meetings. We used Win-Win negotiations a lot. We admitted to our mistakes to each other and did our best to make up for them.

And over time, I discovered I really didn’t have to yell at my sons to feel heard anymore. The yelling had been replaced by mutual respect. We all felt understood, valued, powerful, and loved. My sons have all now grown into adults and the respect we feel for each other is greater than ever. It’s a beautiful thing.

by Susie Walton