“Whose fault is this?” or “Who’s to blame?” are the go-to sentiments for when situations or relationships hit rough patches, especially within families. Jeff Everage explains why figuring out where the blame goes is a waste of time.

Does Your Family Play the Blame Game?

If you believe, as I do, that you must “connect before you correct” then blame doesn’t do anything productive in parenting (and really in all of life). The only guarantee with blame is that you will get what you model thrown back at you with twice the emotion and four times the volume.

You know that your family does a lot of blaming each other when your children start blaming you for anything they don’t like. A common one at my home is “It is your fault, Dada, that we don’t get another [something] before bedtime”. Anything that upsets either of my boys creates a response that we taught them very early on, to blame others for how they feel.

The gift our children give us, if we are willing to accept it, is to mirror back behaviors that we don’t like about ourselves. I’ve made a conscious effort to stop blaming others since my sons started blaming me– not just at home but in all areas of my life. And when I notice that I’m blaming, I stop and clean it up as best I can.

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The Consequences of Blame

When we blame, we forfeit responsibility for the situation and how we feel about it. When we blame our children for anything, we are granting our children responsibility over the situation and our feelings. They get to be scared, guilty, sad, and/or angry, you get to be right and in control, but no one gets to be close, trust between you is reduced, and nothing is solved for the future.

Young Children Don’t Process Blame the Way Adults Do

Young children (2 to 5) have a very limited ability to be rational. Their brains are slowly developing that capability over time. They do have a keen capability to read your moods and emotions very early in life. They don’t have the ability to see cause and affect much past a few minutes, so blame hidden in a rational story about consequences will just be blame to them.

Older Children Learn to Blame Their Parents and Others

Older children can become masters of blaming their parents for their lives if they don’t have the skills to do something different. A common complaint from parents about teenagers is that they blame their parents for just about everything. This is a direct result of what their parents taught them to do. Without parental guidance, our TV culture will be the teacher. There is not much responsible problem solving on TV these days.

Put an End to the Family Blame Game

1. Notice when you are blaming others.
2. Recover/clean up any blame.
3. Practice collaborative problem solving and focus on the solution.

Step 1: Notice when you are blaming others

To change your children’s behavior you’ll have to start noticing when you are blaming your children and use those opportunities to work on different skills. This is a high standard to hold, because we are way more likely to notice our children blaming than notice our own habits. Correcting will not have near the impact if you are not modeling something different as well. If they are blaming you, you have to work on your reaction. If they are blaming others, conflict resolution is critical.

Step 2: Recover/clean up any blame:

Sometimes we have the best intentions and then fall into old habits. When you notice yourself acting in a way you are committed to change, take the time to acknowledge this and restore the connection with your child (or spouse, friend, co-worker). This is as simple as taking a pause, giving your child a GEM and saying you are sorry for reacting so negatively.

Step 3: Practice problem solving skills and focusing on the solution

The key to effective problem solving is a firm focus on finding a solution. This future focus makes blame totally unnecessary.

One technique is Win/Win negotiation and conflict resolution. This is a very effective technique because it sets everyone up to own how they feel and say what they want.

Another simple technique for families is to use a family meeting to identify the problem and then brainstorm solutions. Once everyone has had a chance to add ideas, pick a solution as a family and agree to use it for a week or two. At the next family, meeting evaluate how your solution is working.

More tips to managing blaming

• Connect before you correct it. Just a moment of connection will increase the impact of all your words and actions afterward dramatically.
• Avoid finding fault.
• Watch out for “should have” statements.
• Remember that sometimes natural consequences are the best teacher. Instead of blaming or rescuing, let them deal with the situation as it is.

Putting an end the Blame Game is one sure-fire way to get the family dynamic back on track. For more tools to connect with your children and partner, consider taking a Parenting Course.

by Jeff Everage