When children tell lies, parents can feel hurt, disappointment, and anger. What can moms and dads do to stop their kids from lying?

The first time I caught my young son in a really big lie, it set me into a panic. I’d taught him about George Washington and the cherry tree. I’d read him the fable “The Boy Who Cried Wolf.” I told him often, “Nobody likes a liar.” How could he look me in the face and tell me a lie? I thought. After all the conversations we’d had about honesty! I felt like I had failed somewhere along the way and I worried that his lying would become a habit.

Kids’ Lies Are More Common than You’d Think

After doing some reading on the subject of lying, I see that I needn’t be so hard on myself. Turns out, most kids lie, and it can start as early as 2 years old.  By ages 4-7, more than half of American kids lie. This same pattern appears in other countries, like the UK, West Africa, and China, so this is not just an American problem. And if I’m to be completely honest myself, I told plenty of lies when I was a kid.

Reasons Why Kids Lie:

• To avoid punishment.
• To avoid parent judgment.
• To gain attention.
• To gain approval.
• For privacy.

What’s worrisome is as kids get older, parents have a harder time detecting when kids are lying to them. A 2010 study led by Victoria Talwar of McGill University showed that only about half of parents could tell when their preschoolers were lying to them, only a third of parents could tell when their 6-8 year olds were lying to them, and only one fourth of parents could detect if their 9-11 year-olds were telling lies. This is attributed to what researchers call “a truthfulness bias,” where parents want and need to believe their kids are telling the truth.

I openly own this “truthfulness bias,” and although I know that it’s not uncommon for kids to lie, I don’t want it to be a common thing for my kid. So what can I do?

Know what to do in any parenting situation. Take our Online Parenting Course!

What to Do to Promote Truthfulness

While we might not be able to prevent our children from ever telling another lie, there are things parents can do to encourage honesty and cut down on the lies:

1. Set a good example. If you’re preaching the virtues of Truth to your kids, and then they overhear you calling in “sick” to work to attend a sporting event, you’re sending a mixed message.
2. Create an atmosphere in which your child feels safe to tell the truth. Your child won’t tell the truth if they fear severe punishment or judgment. A big part of this is being more accepting of your child’s mistakes. Remind yourself, and your children, that mistakes are learning opportunities and a part of life.
3. Stop asking set-up questions that invite lying. A set-up question is one to which you already know the answer, for instance: “Did you clean your room?” Instead say, “I notice you didn’t clean your room. Would you like to work on a plan for cleaning it?”
4. Respect your child’s privacy when they don’t want to share with you.  Sometimes kids, and especially teenagers, need time to work feelings and ideas out on their own. Forcing them to share when they’re not ready may invite lies. Instead, schedule time to strengthen your relationship with your child and make it clear that when they do come to you, they won’t get criticism, judgment or disapproval.
5. Let your children know that they are unconditionally loved. Many children lie because they are afraid the truth will disappoint their parents. Show appreciation when they tell the truth and encourage them for being brave enough to face the consequences.

In my son’s case, lying still pops up every once in a while, but it has not turned into the habit I had feared it would. When we catch him in a lie, we make sure he’s accountable but we talk to him calmly and openly. I try to watch my own behavior as well– I try not to corner or pressure him about things so he doesn’t feel like he has to lie to escape my wrath and judgment.

Ultimately, we want our kids to come to us with any problems they face growing up. In order for this to happen, we need to set up that spirit of openness as early as we can. If we follow through on these simple steps, we can encourage honesty and cut down on our kids lying.

*If lying remains a constant battle with your child, you may want to consider counseling to get to the root of why your child feels the need to lie.

by Pamela Layug Laney