If the traditional time-out isn’t working to discipline your child, or if you’re just looking for an alternative to this oft-used technique, self-calming may be a better choice for your family.

A Break from the Stress

When adults are tired, stressed, irritable, or not performing very well at work, what do they do? Get a massage. Have a cup of tea.  Take a walk. Go to yoga class. Hit the golf course.  In short, when adults are stressed, they take a “time-out” and get back on track.

When children are tired, stressed, quarreling with their siblings, or not minding their teachers or caregivers, what do they get? They get time-outs, except these time-outs aren’t the fun and relaxing kind. In short, when children are stressed, they get punished.

Self-calming is what time-out was originally intended to be- a break from the action in order to regain control, handle feelings and regroup. Unfortunately, time-out for kids has been used as a punishment and has lost most of its value. More and more, parents are searching for an alternative method of discipline.

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Instead of enforcing the traditional time-out the next time your child acts up, try sending them to their “self-calming area” instead.  This article outlines the basics to creating self-calming areas for your kids.

Self-Calming Areas

Parents should work with each child individually to create a self-calming space to replace the “time-out corner.” Designate a spot in the home that can be the self-calming area to which they could be directed, or go voluntarily, at times of stress and frustration. Together, choose activities and objects that would soothe your child. Think about what calms your child, and ask her what kinds of things she would like to do if she needed to take a take a break.

• Kinesthetic (movement-oriented) kids might like play dough, paper and crayons, water, blocks.
• Kids who use certain smells to soothe might like potpourri or something with Mom’s perfume spritzed on it.
• Visual children may enjoy books, a lava lamp, a fish tank or bowl, or a photo album.
• Auditory kids will like peaceful music, talking into a tape recorder, or listening to an audio book.
• Children who just need quiet could be taught meditation and breathing exercises.

Do Not Use Self-Calming as a Punishment

If the child likes and wants to go to the self-calming area, then she will go there when asked and even on her own. Remember, the goal of self-calming is to teach your child self-control, not to get her to “behave.” She’ll behave naturally when she has calmed down!

Also, don’t force them to stay in their self-calming area for a set amount of time, like you would with a traditional time-out. They should be able to come out on their own when they have sufficiently calmed down.

No Screens in the Self-Calming Area

Please note that there are to be no screens in the self-calming area. Televisions, video games, computers and tablets are distractions and will not help children process their emotions. Some shows and video games may even get kids more wound up than they were to begin with!

Self-Calming on the Go

Take the principles of self-calming wherever you go. Make self-calming “bags” and fill them with objects and activities they would normally have in their areas at home.  Have bags handy in the car or pack one for outings and vacations!

Self-calming bags also work great if space in your home is limited. Simply hang the bags up in an area that the child can get to easily on their own, and now she can decide how she will calm herself down.

We All Need a Break Once in a While

Parents, you can have a self-calming area, too. Hit that “pause button” when you are feeling overwhelmed by a situation and go there as needed. You’ll be far more effective as a parent when you respond thoughtfully rather than reacting emotionally. Model self-care and self-calming, and your kids will learn from your example.

Just like adults, when kids have calmed themselves down on their own terms and in ways that they enjoy, they are more likely to play well with others, be more open to learning, and be less likely to act up. Giving our kids the tools to self-calm is an important skill they will carry well into adulthood.

If the traditional time-out has stopped working for your child or if you’re just looking for an alternative to the time-out, follow these steps to create a self-calming area in your home. Let us know how self-calming works for your family!

by Pamela Layug Laney