Tips to Tearless Drop-Offs and Pick-Ups: Easing Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety, fear of new situations, and difficulty making transitions can make dropping off kids to daycare or school a real challenge for parents. If drop-offs and pick-ups are a struggle with your children, then you will benefit from Kathryn Kvols’ easy tips to ease these transitions.

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“Mommmmmy! Don’t leave me,” pleads Amy, as Mom tries to peel her daughter from her leg. “Honey, I have to go or I will be late for work,” Mom tries to explain, but to no avail. Mom, feeling guilty about leaving her unhappy daughter, speeds off to work in an effort to not be late. Sound familiar? Here are some tips to tearless drop-offs and pick-ups.

Ways to Make Drop-Offs Easier

1. Slow down. Being in a hurry creates tension that children can sense. Stressful situations make fertile ground for tears and tantrums.
2. Help your children get themselves ready the night before. Set out their clothes and papers for school in the same place each morning
3. Give them something of yours that they can put in their back-pack to help them remember you, for example, a scarf with your perfume. Ask them for something of theirs that you have during the day so they can feel valuable to you also.
4. Try not to argue or use force to get your child to get in the car. Use choices and kind but firm action instead, “Would you like to walk or would you like me to carry you?” Never threaten to leave your child. A playful attitude entices even the most resistant minds.
5. Avoid over-comforting good-byes. Be confident that your child will be fine. When parents over-comfort their child, they learn to draw out the good-bye time.
6. Create a fun tradition/routine for good-byes. For example, create a special high five or a hand game. Talk about the sequence of the schedule every morning. For example, “I’ll walk you in, you put up your lunch box, I’ll give you a hug and a kiss, a high five, and then I leave.” You can also ask them how they want this sequence to go. The more fun and confident you are, the easier your good-bye will be.
7. Make sure that you feel confident about the situation in which you are leaving your child. If you are not, your ambivalence will be picked up on your child’s radar screen.
8. Put yourself “in the mood” for picking up your child before you arrive – clear your mind of work, errands, and dinner so you can be totally available to your child. Take three deep relaxing breaths as you walk in the door.
9. Make sure your face lights up when you see them. This lets them know they are important to you. Take a moment to give your child your undivided attention BEFORE you leave.
10. Let them do the talking and avoid asking a lot of prying questions, especially about their behavior.
11. Look for patterns of what is upsetting your child. Some children have trouble making transitions from one activity to the next. Some children have trouble saying “goodbye.” Others are hungry. It can be difficult for a child to be regulated all day. Figure out the pattern and make a prevention plan. For example, bring a healthy snack if they are hungry.
12. Schedule sanely. Over-scheduling causes tension.
13. Whenever possible, tell them in advance when someone other than you will be picking them up.Inform them of the details, like who the person will be, what time to expect that person, and when they will see you next. This establishes trust.

“There is no love in hurry.” –Mother Theresa

Drop-offs and pick-ups can be foreboding if you don’t have some tools in your tool bag. No one tool will work every single time. Centering yourself before the event will help you find a solution no matter how creative your child is! We hope these tips help ease separation anxiety in your children.

by Kathryn Kvols

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Kathryn Kvols is the author of the best selling book and parenting course (online version here), “Redirecting Children’s Behavior.” She is an international speaker and the president of the International Network for Children and Families. She can be reached at (877) 375-6498.