Raising a Kid and Training a Dog
In my quest to “train” my son and my puppy, I learned it was actually me who could use more training. As much as I’ve benefited from the tips and techniques I’ve acquired about child-rearing and dog-training, I recognize that there is still so much I can learn and improve upon—especially about raising my son. I love being Mommy to Kevin and Snickers, so I’m going to keep learning.
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I began writing for Peace In Your Home within days of getting our first puppy. It was (and still is) an exciting time of immersing myself in how to best raise happy, healthy children and happy, healthy dogs! I read books, took classes, and did loads of internet research on both subjects. On any given evening, you could find me watching videos on child-rearing and dog-training, often back-to-back.
Let me introduce you to my babies. My puppy Snickers is a 6 month old Chihuahua/Dachshund mix. She is stubborn, cute, and extremely loveable. My son Kevin is a 9 year old Filipino/French/German mix. He, too, is stubborn, cute, and extremely loveable. They are both rambunctious, prone to whining, fond of cuddling, and struggle with “bedtime.” I also find myself cleaning up after them constantly.
Even with all this in common, I was disappointed to discover that you can’t raise your kid like you would train your dog. Wasn’t there a magic command I could utter to make both Kevin and Snickers do what I wanted? (“Obey!” would be a good one.) No such luck. Beyond that, I learned that some of the primary methods you would use to correct a puppy’s behavior are the polar opposite of what you should do to redirect a child’s behavior.
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Good Girl? Nope. Capable Girl!
In puppy training, owners are supposed to encourage desired behaviors with plenty of verbal praise. When she sits on command, makes outside, and lets me walk her on leash without dislocating my shoulder, I give Snickers plenty of love pats and say in an exaggeratedly happy tone, “Good girl!” Even little things, like not barking like a tiny hellhound when someone knocks on the door, is rewarded with belly rubs and invocations of her inherent canine genius. (Note: The “not barking” does not happen often.)
Could this be any more different from what I learned about praising children? Children, unlike puppies, will notthrive if every tiny accomplishment is met with gratuitous praise. Constantly singing the praises of your children’s intellect might actually deter them from trying anything that is difficult or challenging so as not to ruin your high opinion of them. Po Bronson’s article on the Inverse Power of Praise details this to a tee. And telling your child that he is “good” when he does something you like, might actually be sending him the message that he is good only when he is doing something that pleases you.
Learning the lesson about children and over praising really struck a chord in me personally. How many times in my own childhood had I wondered if I was “good” enough if I didn’t get top marks in class? That is not something I would want my son to grapple with. So now, when Kevin brings home good grades, I don’t tell him what a “smart” or “good” boy he is. I want him to know that he is those things regardless of the grades he brings home. Instead, I ask him how he achieved those good grades, and I encourage the efforts rather than praising the deed.
This may sound a bit extreme, but even with the dog, it now feels a little wrong to say “Good girl!” When Snickers goes potty outside, I say instead, “There’s my capable girl!”
Give a Dog a Bone. Give a Boy a GEM.
I am lucky to have a very food-driven pup. Snickers will do anything for a treat, so lots of kibble and yummy peanut butter filled toys are part of our training sessions. We’ve got the sit-command down pat, but are still working on—well, everything else. You can find all kinds of internet articles on how to use dog treats to train your puppy.
With Kevin, I learned early on that motivating with snacks was the wrong route to take. Back when he was potty training, he would gladly tinkle in the toilet for those little fruit-“flavored” snacks. Harmless and effective, I thought. Wrong! Those fruit-like snacks were not as healthy as the pictures on the box would have me believe, and heaven help me if I ran out of them.
The fact is, if we want to encourage our kids to always try their best, mind their manners, and “behave” themselves, then they should do it because they are internally motivated to do so. External motivators, like candy, promises of toys, and monetary incentives all send the message that stuff isn’t worth doing unless there’s something in it for them.
Furthermore, we don’t want our children growing up thinking that food is a “reward.” Rewarding with food can interfere with children learning to eat in response to hunger and satiety cues. You can even skew a child’s food preference depending on the type of food you use as a reward. Those seemingly innocent bribes of lollipops and ice cream can result in childhood obesity and big dentist bills early in life, Type 2 diabetes and a host of other health-related issues later on in life!
“Rewarding children with unhealthy food undermines our efforts to teach them about good nutrition. It’s like teaching children a lesson on the importance of not smoking, and then handing out ashtrays and lighters to the kids who did the best job listening,” says Marlene Schwartz, PhD and Co-Director of the Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity, Yale University.
So instead of rewarding your child with a cookie the next time she does something awesome, how about giving her a GEM instead? A GEM, or Genuine Encounter Moment, is one-on-one focused attention. This is how it’s done:
- Totally focus on your child (put away the cell phone and turn off that TV).
- Give eye contact and warm expression to engage.
- Listen closely.
- Be with them without judgment until the moment is complete.
Most children crave GEMs more than they crave sugar. Kevin and Snickers get lots of focused attention from me these days.
You Can’t Crate a Kid.
In order to keep your puppy out of trouble when you’re out of the house, lots of dog experts recommend the crate method. Crate training uses a dog’s natural instincts as a den animal. A wild dog’s den is his home, a place to sleep, hide from danger, and raise a family. The crate becomes your dog’s den. This works great for Snickers. Crating her when I’m out means I don’t have to come home to a house covered in half-chewed up toilet paper, and she does seem to enjoy spending time in there.
But I can’t very well lock Kevin in a cage when I can’t keep an eye on him.
I’m sure loads of parents fantasize about locking their kids (especially the teenaged ones) in cages to keep them safe and out of trouble. But besides being medieval, there’s a more effective way to ensure our kids know what their limits are. Like puppies feel safe in their crates, most kids are more comfortable when there are limits in place and when they know what those limits are.
Instead of an actual physical boundary, parents and children together can work together to figure out boundaries for issues like curfews, bedtimes, TV/Video Game times, and chores. When children take part in determining what their boundaries are, the more likely they are to stick to those boundaries and the less likely they are to misbehave. That doesn’t mean kids won’t test those limits occasionally, but those instances will be far less frequent.
So Much Still to Learn
In my quest to “train” my son and my puppy, I learned it was actually me who could use more training. As much as I’ve benefited from the tips and techniques I’ve acquired about child-rearing and dog-training, I recognize that there is still so much I can learn and improve upon—especially about raising my son. I love being Mommy to Kevin and Snickers, so I’m going to keep learning.
I’ve got Snickers (and me) signed up for a pet training session through my local Humane Society. I’m sure the Humane Society in your area, as well as your local chain pet stores, will offer great training classes for your canine pal. You can also ask your friends for trainer recommendations and start asking around at the dog park. Don’t forget the wealth of information on the internet. One of my favorite online resources for pets is http://dogtrainer.quickanddirtytips.com/.
If you’re committed to enhancing your parenting skills, look into taking live parenting courses in your area. I took a Redirecting Children’s Behavior Course, and it changed our family for the better. If your schedule is just too busy, not in your budget, or if you want to get a sneak peek at what you can learn through live courses, an excellent option is taking online parenting courses, like the ones offered at https://peaceinyourhome.mykajabi.com/.
The important thing is that you keep on learning and educating yourselves as parents. Your kids and your puppies will continue to grow and develop. You should too.
by Pamela Layug Laney