Ancient Parenting Models: Adults at Play

Jeff Everage set out to learn how adults “play,” and discovered that there isn’t much “play” going on at all. He turns to modern science and ancient cultures to illustrate why parents need to get more serious about play.

See Jeff Everage’s live talk about Adults at Play here.

I Have Few Memories of My Parents Playing

Some of my most clear and relatively pleasant memories of my parents were of them being on the sidelines of my life.  There are many events that come to mind such as Cub Scout meetings, soccer fields, t-ball games and school band concerts.  They were the spectators, sitting quietly, and probably bored out of their minds.

There is one memory, though, that stands out from the rest. Once, our family went white water rafting.  We had a guide that steered as my father, mother, and I paddled through moderate rapids and slow-moving river sections.  The details of the event are pretty vague, but what I vividly remember was the relaxed, tired feeling we all had from being outside and how our family told stories of that day over dinner for the next few days.

Fast forward thirty years. I’m married with my own kids. Weekends start to fill with t-ball games and birthday parties.  This time I’m the one sitting squarely on the sidelines of my son’s life, looking for any way to get in the game.  It would have been nice to remember that white water rafting trip, see its meaning, and then take action to start playing more as an adult.  It would take 3 more years of searching to realize that the model I needed was right there with me all along, and I just needed to get out of the stands.

Learn more about the parenting course that changed Jeff’s life.

Coping with Our Environment

Our brains are capable of incredible change on the fly.  It is called “neuroplasticity”, the ability to cope with injury and changes in our environment.  This means that we can cope and continue living with just about anything that doesn’t kill us. On the other hand is adaptation, what our brains are immediately equipped to encounter.  I believe that when children are joyful, like when they are outside with friends in unstructured play, they are showing their fundamental adaptation.  Conversely, when we see them sad, angry, unmotivated, uninterested, and “dealing” with their environment, I figure that they are only coping.   According to one neuroscientist, it will take about 1200 years for our brains to fully adapt to our new stress-filled, crazy environment. Until then we are all just coping.

The evidence that children are barely coping with the environment we have created for them is everywhere.

The following childhood problems are all dramatically on the rise:

• Child obesity
• ADHD
• Toxic stress
• Childhood depression
• The drugs used to fix these issues

The responsibility for creating a new environment for our children lies with us as parents, and what we model is our best opportunity to make a change. But what behavior do we model?  Without learning something new, we have two choices.  We can parent like we were parented and/or do what we see on TV. Neither comes from a clear intention to create something that works for our children. They are both essentially thoughtless reactions.

The Wisdom of the Bushman

I believe that we have forgotten, as a culture, how to parent in a way that works for children. I believe that we can learn what to do by looking at ancient hunter gatherer cultures that are still intact today. Anthropologists and neurologists are coming to this same conclusion and have a mountain of evidence to back it up.

I recently attended a talk by Jon Young about his trip to Botswana, Africa to learn the nature mentoring techniques of the Bushman. Jon has dedicated his life to connecting children and families to their natural environment and has written the definitive book on the subject, Coyote’s Guide to Connecting with Nature. Jon observed the village women playing with homemade dolls and toy huts, playing out the scenes of a typical day, much like little girls might pretend to have tea or cook. The village girls watched, and when the women finished, the girls rushed in and picked up the toys to play their own version of the same. Curious, Jon watched the village men at play. They played a game with a ball similar to sports western men play. After they were done, the village boys rushed in and played.

Afterward, Jon asked village elders about the importance of teaching children about tracking the animals in their area.  One of the elder women responded (paraphrased), “What is important is that we know it first and do it.  If we don’t know these skills, then how will the children ever learn them?” Tracking animals is an important part of Bushman life, but so is playing. That’s why play is also modeled.

Play versus Entertainment

Energized by Jon’s talk, I wanted to know how adults play in our society today.  I did an informal survey of parents on the subject.  Most struggled to answer the question, giving answers that really didn’t sound like play at all, like going to the gym or watching their children at the park. I thought I got my answer when I saw a group of guys at the local bar and grill watching a football game together and cheering. Clearly, they were having fun. But were they playing?  I realized our culture may be confusing, or even replacing, play for entertainment.

Learn the techniques Jeff uses with his family every day!

With the difference between play and entertainment distinguished, I found that entertainment was everywhere and play was nearly nonexistent in the adult’s world.  Adults are passing time with TVs, computers, smartphones, and similar electronic devices, and children are mirroring that. The results of this are predictable. ADHD, obesity, depression, and toxic stress are directly linked to trading less outdoor play for more indoor electronic entertainment.

Parents Participating in Play

What does a child learn by watching adults engrossed in passive forms of entertainment?  Focus is on the entertainers: reporters, sports players, actors, contestants, even “real housewives.” The parent is mere spectator, not active participant.  The point is that the focus is no longer on the parent. We should ask ourselves, who is modeling what?  Do we really want a future where our children sit and watch others play and have fun?

I’m not saying entertainment is bad. I am saying that trading play time for more entertainment in our adult lives is a poor trade.  Maybe what we need is just simple pot luck parties. Bring the frisbee, soccer ball, or football, and like the Bushman, leave the children on the sidelines while the adults play for a while.

Don’t worry about the children. They still know the answer to the question, “What is play?”

by Jeff Everage