The Art of Giving Choices to Kids

Giving children choices is often a great solution for parents locked in power struggles with uncooperative kids. What happens when giving choices stops working? RCB Instructor Jeff Everage gives parenting tips on how to give choices that work for the parent and the child.

In parenting classes all across America and probably around world, parents are asking instructors about what to do in their specific parenting situations.  This typically is regardless of the topic being taught in the class that day.  After all, this is why they are taking the class in the first place. They just want to know what to do right now!  A  common example is a parent dealing with a young child (2-7) that gets into power struggles with one or both of the parents.

A very common solution is to instruct the parents to give them a simple choice:

“Would you like the blue pants or the red pants?” 
“Would you like to brush your teeth first or put on PJs?”

The parent goes home and uses this new parenting practice and returns to class with a big smile and a raving report.  Choices worked great.  Their child, surprised by a new reaction and the newly granted power, engages the choice with gusto and actively works with the parent on the direction taken.

Then something happens. A few weeks later, choices become less effective. The power child starts to fight when he doesn’t like the options.  Some children add choices that the parent don’t want included. Frustration peaks when the child starts to give the parents choices of things they can do!

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Choice Traps

I usually focus on what to do instead of what not to do, but regarding choices there are traps that are worth mentioning. I’ll go through a couple of common ones and then move to a different approach for choices that will get you closer to what I like to call “80/20 Parenting Nirvana”, where 80% of your parenting turns out like you wanted it.

Things to Avoid when Giving Kids Choices

• Giving options that are meaningless: This one typically sound like two choices that are either the same, or so close to being the same that they are hard to differentiate.  A common example is “Would you like to leave now or in five minutes?” They always choose 5 minutes and there may still be a struggle when it is time to go anyway.
• Giving options you don’t want them to choose: This is the easiest trap to fall into.  You really want to give them a choice so you come up with options that don’t really work for you, and one option that does.  For example, “Do you want to play quietly in your room or in the kitchen while I fix dinner?” You know you need a break, you know your 4 year isn’t capable of playing quietly, and you know she will choose the kitchen.
• The easy or the hard way: This one is the favorite of the bossy parent.  This is when the parent points out that there is really no choice of what to do, but the child can choose to make it an easy experience for them where they are compliant or a hard one where the parent has to make them do it.  “You can do this the easy way or the hard way!”
• When the choice is really a punishment or not age appropriate:  This is a mix of logical consequences and giving choices that is not very effective for younger children.  An example is “You can stay up later to play games or you can get a book and a story before bedtime.”  This is a common trap because young children feel secure in their routines and aren’t old enough to know how disruptive routine changes are. The parent ends up losing because the  if the child chooses to sleep later than normal, they may end the night screaming for their story anyway or they’re cranky and disagreeable the next day.

Model the Behavior and Mirror the Intention

The delivery you model is critical to getting compliance and passing down to them habits that will work for their entire lives. First, and I know this sounds a little strange, but it is important to be the adult in the situation.  Some parents forget that they are in charge when offering limited choices.  This is not the time to ask a lot of questions or be indifferent to the outcome. Unless you are consoling an upset child, most situations require you to stand up straight, make eye contact, and be serious.

You also want to check in with your emotions. Mirror Neurons ensure that your children will take on whatever emotional state you are in at the time.  Most parenting techniques don’t really work when you are angry.  If you lead with anger, you are probably only going to pick a fight.  Use the pause button or some other way to cool off before you disciple them.  It only takes a few seconds of touching my forehead and I’m usually cooled off and ready to parent again.

Some More Guidelines for Giving Limited Choices

1. Try to give choices that would work for you if you were in their shoes.  If you wouldn’t do it to your friends, considering your real intention and reframe the choice, or don’t give a choice at all.
2. Being in an effective emotional state for communicating sets the frame for how your child will react. If you are happy, encouraging, and in a frame of mind that you are at team, then your child is much more likely to react positively.
3. Determine if there really a choice. Adults get in situations all the time where they have no choice but to comply. Being straight with your child up front about the situation and then giving a silly choice to add some humor to the situation can sometimes work. “We have to go now, but would you like to gallop like a horse or lumber out like an elephant out the door?”
4. Listen and be open to other alternatives.  See if your child has an option that will work for both of you.  Use conflict resolution to work out alternatives.
5. For older children, tell them the situation and ask them what options they see possible: “I’ve got to be back home to start dinner in 15 minutes and we only have one car, what options do we have to get me home on time?”
6. Finally, be sparing with choices. The technique can get tired and played out pretty quickly.  It can even be stressful for young children (under 5) making choices all the time.

by Jeff Everage