If your toddler is screaming out “Noooooo!” every chance she gets, don’t worry—she’s not out to get you! The “Nos”, also referred to as toddler refusal or toddler negativism, are a normal part of child development and are actually a sign of independence and confidence.

Why No?

Toddlers will be contrary because they have just figured out that they are totally separate from their parents. When they say no, they are asserting and testing this new-found independence.  A recent study in Child Development showed that 2- and 3-year-olds will argue with their parents up to 25 times an hour! It’s not because they’re being naughty; it’s just their nature at this stage in their development. Most children generally outgrow the constant nay-saying between 3 and 5 years old.

How to Deal with Toddler Negativism

Natural or not, having to do battle with the Nos isn’t a ton of fun for parents, so here are some suggestions to help deal with and/or prevent toddler negativism.

1. Focus on what you want your toddler to do instead of what you don’t want her to do. You are less likely to get a “No” or refusal from her if you don’t begin your own request with a “No” or a “Don’t.”
2. Have her copy you doing what you want them to do. Sometimes toddlers say no because they don’t fully comprehend parents’ requests. By modeling what you want them to do, you are giving them a visual demonstration. And kids at that age love to copy what the grown-ups do!
3. Be clear with your requests. Again, keep it simple and specific so the toddler can easily understand what you need. Break down larger tasks into smaller chunks. For example, instead of saying, “Clean up your toys,” try saying, “Let’s put your blocks in the toy chest.”
4. Give simple choices. Present two options that your toddler can choose from. Remember, toddlers like to feel in charge! Give them lots of opportunities throughout the day, and they will be more likely to accept the times when there is no choice. Giving choices also avoids asking a yes or no question, to which your toddler might give you the dreaded no.
5. Ask for your toddler’s help. Capitalize on your toddler’s independent streak and ask for help with simple tasks. A request like, “I need your help making sure everyone is buckled up in the car,” may get her to climb into her own car seat without a fight. You will be building her confidence, satisfying her need to exercise control, and also making your day go much more smoothly.
6. Look for patterns. Your child is less likely to cooperate when he is tired, hungry, sick, or uncomfortable. Pay attention to the times in the day when he is likely to act up, and be proactive about meeting his needs at those times to encourage cooperation.

Parenting expert Susie Walton reminds parents that toddlers are just discovering the world and their place in it. “Toddlers haven’t figured out how to get their needs met, so they’re just trying out different ways. They’re not bad little kids.”

Learn more from parenting expert Susie Walton in our online course!

One last piece of advice is to keep your sense of humor about toddler defiance.  Remind yourself that you were that little once. It’s just a normal stage in child development, and all too soon you will be nostalgic for that cute little 2-year-old face, “nos” and all.

by Pamela Laney